How you, the carer, may feel after the dementia diagnosis has been given

We will cover off the practical advice, things you can do to help someone with dementia in later blogs, but it’s worth spending some time talking about the emotional impact that a dementia diagnosis can have on a carer. There is plenty of information that you can digest or be bombarded with regards to practical advice, and this advice is very important. However, a lot of the time, it doesn’t touch on how a person actually feels inside when they are first given the news. That’s why we will touch on some of it here. 

Remaining calm for your loved one

You will be devastated by the news, feeling swamped with anxiety. Please remember, it is perfectly normal to feel this way. The important thing is to remain calm for your loved one. She will need a strong hand to hold on to when the news is broken.

You may feel as though you are grieving. This may sound odd to some people as no one has died, but people will mourn for the loss of their future, or the future of their loved one. You may grieve for the things in life you feel you will lose, like seeing grandchildren grow up for example. Rest and distraction, and talking to those close to you, family and friends will be important to overcome this. 

Sometimes you may feel anger. Angry at how unfair life can feel, having a future stolen away. Feelings like “She doesn’t deserve this..” “I don’t understand, she has always been fit and healthy…” The younger the person is, these feelings of anger will likely be stronger. It’s important that you have a place to go, or someone you can talk to, to vent that anger. 

Other feelings you may have

And other times you may feel trapped in a state of negativity. This is natural, you are unlikely to feel very positive in the short term. People saying “just be positive” are well meaning, but this can be annoying. It’s ok to feel this way. The best advice we have is to try and stay in the present, the here and now. Don’t try and dwell too much on the future, deal with what you have, what’s right in front. 

You may feel weak, like you don’t have the energy/fight in you. Again, it’s ok to feel this way. In fact, you may well feel this way at times going forward, not just in the immediate aftermath of the diagnosis. The stark reality is that you will likely get knocked down, that’s natural, but please look after yourself, and get others to look after you, so you can make sure you get back up. 

Be prepared, you may be faced with frustration or anger

You will be full of care and compassion and want to help your loved one, but bear in mind, you may, in some cases, have to bear the brunt of your loved one’s anger and grief about the situation. This will not be easy, as well as dealing with someone who may be very angry, you will also be facing into how you are going to solve problems such as finances, driving etc. It’s a difficult time!

Remember that it is important to plan for the future

You may be in denial about the whole situation. Again, this is perfectly natural. It’s ok to try and deny the inevitable, in some ways, it can be regarded as the mind’s way of preparing for the work and tribulations ahead. The important thing is to make sure you come through this denial phase, you can’t stay that way forever, At some point, you need to plan for the future.

Take each day as it comes, and enjoyment from the things you have now. Make the most of today, tomorrow will look after itself. Fingers crossed, you will start to feel more positive.

Again, family and friends can really help you to stay as positive as possible. 

Finally remember to 

Take breaks when you need it, take time for you. Make sure those close to you, take the strain at times. As the old Japanese proverb states “fall down 7 times, get up 8”.